~ Written by Cassie Rayl
No one told us bonding with our son would feel impossible during pregnancy. Our first pregnancy resulted in our daughter being stillborn. To say we were cautious and hesitant to invest in our second child’s development would be an understatement. We wanted to be excited for our son, who we decided to name Judah, but what if he wasn’t placed in our arms, either?
Talking to Judah throughout the pregnancy often felt hollow as I battled deep anxiety and fear. Often the joy would be ripped away and replaced by immense sorrow with the thought, “What if we bury our son like we buried our daughter? What if we never get to witness the look of recognition on his face when he hears our voices?”
I forced myself to sing hymns out loud, telling myself I was singing to Judah as a compromise. If I couldn’t pour into him by bonding with him through motherly chatter, at least he could learn my voice some other way. I spent the entirety of my pregnancy begging Jesus to let that be enough, fearing it would be inadequate.
My husband, Peter, struggled just as I did. Only in the last weeks of my pregnancy could he bring himself to nickname Judah. He said very little, but what he did say always made our little boy flip in my womb in excitement over hearing his daddy. Still, I worried Judah hadn’t heard his dad enough to know his voice if and when he was placed in our arms alive and thriving.
I had no reason to worry. Judah made his arrival a month early and miraculously strong. There was one moment in the NICU, I’ll never forget. Judah was uncomfortable and scared, and though he would breathe more easily when I sang over him, he wasn’t calming down. The instant Peter leaned over Judah’s crib and said, “Hey, little dude, it’s okay,” Judah opened his eyes, stopped crying and just studied his daddy. He knew that voice, and he knew that voice was grounded by love.
Watching that interaction reminded me of my own spiritual journey with the Father. I don’t always feel like I hear God enough. I sometimes feel as if it’s been so long since I’ve heard him, I wonder if I’ll recognize his voice when I do. Yet the moment I do hear my Heavenly Father, the moment I can focus on his presence, all I hear is love. In the end, all I know is the Father wants me where I belong: In his arms listening as he declares his love for me.
💙Congratulations on your beautiful gift from the Lord! I guess we need to do some catching up with the Rayl family! So happy for you! Thanks for sharing your heart! 💙
Congratulations on the birth of your precious little boy. Your life will never be the same – in a good way 💙💙💙
I’m so excited for you and Peter. How wonderful to have a son! I was reminded of John 10. “My sheep (that’s you and me) know my voice.” The voice of God will sound like Home to us when we hear it audibly. In the meantime, It becomes more and more familiar.
Wow, Cassie. Such an accurate depiction of the love of God. Hearing his voice and recognizing it easily is so amazingly.
I had a friend who had been married for 50 years or more. In the midst of a huge crowd he asked his wife to bring him a glass of water in hi quiet normal tone of voice. I knew she had not heard him. I went around the corner to get her and met her coming to her husband with a glass of water in her hand. I was amazed. I commented on it and he said “she recognizes the love in my voice just as the sheep recognize the Shepherd’s voice.” I was 16 and have never forgotten that event. It was a small thing, but it made a huge impact on me. Your story is very much the same. His children know His voice, and respond to it. Thank you Jesus!
Sheilah
[…] Watching that interaction reminded me of my own spiritual journey with the Father. I don’t always feel like I hear God enough. I sometimes feel as if it’s been so long since I’ve heard him, I wonder if I’ll recognize his voice when I do. Yet the moment I do hear my Heavenly Father, the moment I can focus on his presence, all I hear is love. In the end, all I know is the Father wants me where I belong: In his arms listening as he declares his love for me. ~ written by Cassie Rayl, from womenofgraceusa.wordpress.com […]
Praise be for little Judah! Praise Jesus!